All This Church Talk: To Stay or Leave?

I think of church as a love relationship in many ways and I will list a few reasons why. Stay with me 😂

1. Much like dating, you do not just date anyone because they are available (if you have, no judgment, but there is grace to exit!)

2. You pray (hard) for that person and before those butterflies begin to do things

3. You need patience to develop a functional relationship

4. You have to work on issues together to grow

   
   

The list goes on.

I think we all agree that love relationships are absolutely beautiful but they take work.

Let's level it here: I understand church hurt, people leaving the church, church drama, explosive exposures, leadership wrangles and the whole work. Church is made up of human beings who are all at different levels of the sanctification process. Some people are more graceful than others and some situations more palatable. We are all imperfect people pushing toward the mark.

Better Together?

Hebrews 10:25 NKJV: "..Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching."

Paul emphasises the importance of gathering as believers as often as possible for a few reasons:

1. Having grounded people around helps us remain rooted in Christ (Hebrews 10:24-25)

2. Good company offers counsel that helps us when we have to make life decisions (Proverbs 11:14)

3. God has not created us to be alone (Romans 12:5)

A healthy church offers a home for the weary heart, a place to strengthen our relationship with Jesus, an avenue to exercise our God-given giftings and a place to hang out with our friends! (Some people find their spouses in church, wink wink!)

But what if the place you love so much no longer feels like home? Where do you go and who do you talk to?

Church needs to feel like home

I have sat down with so many people who faced deep hurts from places they thought would be havens of peace. While I do not want to make a monument or idol out of their pain, I think this topic needs a fair analysis. I once needed it and I believe someone out there needs it too!

Why People Leave Churches

People who leave church communities are not monolithic in their thinking. Some leave because they prayed for God's will to happen over their lives and God decided to shift them to another church home- no drama, no pain, no tears, just God's perfect will. Sometimes a church may be home for a season and that's it before a time to shift arises!

Some people leave because of life changes like careers that demand a change in location, marriage and so forth. Again, seasonal shifts.

Sometimes misunderstandings happen that can no longer be contained amicably- at least not in the same community. This happens too! Church leadership or church members themselves may at one point cause so much pain that the affected individual feels that that particular church environment is too much to deal with while serving Christ. So they leave for a time or forever.

Blatant glitches of character in the leadership and life of the church, doctrinal error and poor accountability systems are major causes of mass exits. Understandably so! (Please, if you are in a church that teaches erroneous doctrine, LEAVE. NOW. If you are in a church that has proof of gross misconduct with no accountability measures, LEAVE. FAST. Sometimes, the legal and justice systems need to be involved, but use great wisdom, seek counsel and pray into your decisions as you journey through this route.)

Changes within the church may cause some people to drift away because of the loss of the familiar. Changes in service timings or lengths are an example.😫

I think it's fair to say that there are as many reasons as there are people and there is no single explanation for everyone. But one thing is for sure, people will always come and go. So, if you are a church leader reading this, take heart!

I Want To Leave, Now What?

If this thought came to your mind, you are not weird, nor are you apostate. You are a normal human being who has something going on that needs to be discussed or processed. I would ask a few questions to you:

1. Why do you want to leave? (Be honest with this, no one is watching over your shoulder)

2. When did you start feeling like you need to change churches?

3. Are you offended? Why? Are there mechanisms in your church to resolve any grievance you have?

4. Have you explored all options before considering leaving?

5. Which church do you want to go to next and why?

6. Do you have anyone journeying through this decision with you? If not, why not?

As you honestly answer these questions, I hope that a process of introspection begins in your heart.

I would like to encourage anyone who is considering leaving a church community for any reason, including those I did not mention. It is scary, but you are not alone. I'd like to share a few more thoughts about this topic in the next post and I think you'd benefit from it. You'll get through this!

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In love,

W. ❤️