Trying To Forget: Healing For Beginners

I lost my second cat this morning.

Not how I envisioned my fortnightly blog to start but I suppose that is how life works.

(She is the dark one, by the way.) I would like to forget the whole encounter ever happened. That my dear cat of 2 years was not fatally hit by a speeding truck right outside my home. I would like to forget our last moments together because I did not anticipate the what the next held. Would I have protected her? Would I have intervened somehow?

If you have ever experienced loss or a traumatizing event, you go through stages of grief and pain. One common feature that even the scientific community has identified is post-traumatic amnesia. The brain receives such a high load of hormonal stimulation from the trauma that it knows for sure that whatever happened must have been bad. It therefore makes effort to erase some details for your sake. The brain thinks that perhaps by erasing some or all of your recollection of events, you will be able to move on a bit better.

Looking back at my own negative experiences, I think that the converse may actually be helpful. Remembering details may be helpful!

Speaking from a point of healing

By the time this blog post reaches you, I have definitely gone through a number of hurtful situations. I am thankful that I am doing much better because of them! I have gone through deliverance, the help of my close-knit community, qualified therapists and just taking time off to self-regulate.

From my standpoint, it would be a misstep to advise you to instantaneously start forgetting things that hurt you.

From a point of heart break or trauma, you need to sit with those feelings first. Allow yourself to feel pain and anger. Allow your heart to break into as many pieces as it needs to. Sit in the puddle and allow the water to drench your garments. Only then can you know exactly where the bullet hit.

Many people rush the process after pain. They run and bleed over people and all over the place and forget that they have just gone through a normal human experience that deserves its own season.

The Benefit of Hindsight

When trauma involves people, the first instinct is to separate and berate. You desire that they suffer and they grieve even more than you. You want them to look like the bad guy when you narrate your story. You desire the villain to be only them and the damsel/knight in distress to be (you guessed it): you.

At this point in time, things feel so raw and unaddressed, especially if the other party(or parties) have cut contact (blocking included).

However you choose to navigate that process, remember that it will pass but the consequences of your actions and words may not. Avoid engaging in anything brash. When the vitriol subsides, settle into your mind and slowly review the events of the past.

If things feel too painful or triggering, you can take a break from this exercise but before you completely move on, take time to go over your own reactions and ask questions which will prove helpful to your healing process:

"How did I contribute to the negative outcome of this relationship?"

"What did the other party do that grieved me?"

"Is there something I could have improved on, objectively speaking?"

"What do I need to do to heal in the appropriate way?"

Wisdom generally advises us to avoid walking into pain so this informs us to judge matters before and not after we are hurt. However, and this is if you have already gone through the situation, retrospective assessments may give better observations as compared to the hypothetical thinking we tend to incorporate when judging situations we have not yet immersed ourselves in.

Retrospective assessments may give better observations as compared to the hypothetical thinking we tend to incorporate when judging situations we have not yet immersed ourselves in.

Forgive as you try to forget

I also did not like this part of my healing journey. Everything in me wanted all the people who hurt me to suffer and pay for what they did.

But when I gave my heart to Christ, I came under His jurisdiction and authority. His word over my life for a long period of time was, "let them go and forgive them." Did I say how much I hated this word? Anyway, God also reminded me that the people who hurt me are also His children and that He loves them unreservedly, just the way He loves me.

He also reminded me that forgiving my adversaries was not so much for them but to release my spirit from the bondage of unforgiveness that would seal up all my blessings and truthfully, land my soul in hell because His word says so, in Matthew 6:14-16. (Unforgiven sin denies you the joy of being with God in heaven).

The hardest part

The hardest part for you may not be forgiving but maintaining the forgiveness.

I would like to assure you that the desire to forgive is granted by the strength of the Holy Spirit at work in us because by our own flesh we would never forgive!

But what happens after you have forgiven your aggressor but still feel bitter and hurt afterwards?

You are perfectly normal. However, because we are given strength by Christ who is at work in us, we are called to repeat the process over and over again until the feelings of pain and wrath wither away. Talk about it as often as you feel, grieve, take time off triggers (etc), but forgive and keep forgiving. For some people, you may have to forgive the person every time you remember what they did. This is not easy, but God gives the strength.

Will you ever forget the hurt?

Maybe not. But I assure you that if you allow Christ to heal your heart, you will not feel as heavy then as you do now. And if you do, I assure you that He will help you in your weakness. He understands us. He was hurt too. He was stabbed by the knife of betrayal. surely, He can handle our pain!

With time, you will get a new environment, new community, new jobs, or whatever it may be that will cause you to remember the days of the past with joy instead of pain. God can rewrite your story, friend!

Wishing you all the best as you heal and overcome.