I Was Once Like You

Outfit deets: Bodysuit- Online purchase (circa 2017) $7

Belt- Thrifted, Ksh.450

Skirt- Thrifted, Ksh.800

Shoes- Thrifted, Ksh.400

One vow I made when I finally accepted Jesus (cause I was a runner, okay?) and forsook all others was that I would NEVER reject those who are struggling with sin. I vowed never to be the person that makes trying people give up on Jesus because of His ‘followers’; count me out. I made bitter vows that I intend to keep because I have been to the gutter and back.

I felt pretty cool in black on that day. It should be the new black!

This is an open letter to you, trying soul;

I know how it feels to struggle with secret sin. Yes, the sin that you just can’t seem to shake away when the door is closed. I know how it feels to fail time and time again to the point of burn out.

I understand how it feels to reside to fate and say, “I will go to hell anyway”. I know how it feels because I too was just like you.

I get it. I have known child abuse in physical, emotional, sexual, verbal ways. I know how it wrecks your mind. It morphs love into lust and you no longer know how a healthy love feels so you reject every good thing before it rejects you. You feel unworthy. They used you, abused you and left you lying there-wondering if that was the best you could ever be. I understand you, because I too, I was just like you.

Girl, I feel the pain of manipulation and rejection from those that claim to love you ‘to death’ yet drive you to death by their actions. I understand with the sensitivity of my own heart how a man who says he cares for you can manipulate you out of your sane mind. ‘He knows you better than yourself’. Or so he wants you to think so that you fit right into his grasp, so that he can squeeze from you whenever he deems fit. I know, because I too I was just like you.

I know how it is to be a black sheep. To be cursed out of a holy temple because you make (grave/unforgiveable?) mistakes. I can laugh now, but I almost died then. I get you. I was just like you once, twice and many times over. I survived.

I have wrapped my head round the mentality around transgression and moral failure. I know how those round table discussions about your failed character go. Being tossed around a table like dice, everyone wondering who would be strong enough to handle you next.

Relax; you are not the only one. I too, I was like you.

I have seen the very pits of hellish torment and in the midst of severe gastritis due to chemical poisoning, I asked God for mercy. “God, I do not know how I will make it. I do not want to live. But if you save me, I will never get back here again.”

I thought those would be my last words. I did not know that they would be my first into my new life.

I am a living testament of what God can do when you come clean and just ask for help and let go.

That I am alive and flourishing instead of surviving is a testament of the power of God.

Some of His children trampled on me when I was already down and stripped me for all to see when I was too ashamed to even look outside my windows. Some made me an item of scorn. Where I felt safe was in the hands of the God they left me to receive divine punishment from.

Oh, wouldn’t you rather fall into the hands of God than into the hands of men! (2 Sam 24:14)

Instead of judgment God showed me mercy. Instead of death, He gave me life.

Can you walk away from such a God when you taste of His goodness?

He healed my childhood wounds and helped me forgive the people who lied to me that true love is a reserve for a certain cluster of people. I never thought I would be able to feel myself light up again but God now shines upon me every single day. I have fought my way out of unhealthy mindsets by God’s grace and I'm currently reaping heavy fruits from it-by God’s grace. Can you walk away from such a God when you taste of His goodness?

That the very same place where I was given to burn and die is the same place the fire came under the authority of my voice.

I want to snatch out a soul or two from the lies of the devil, even if this post does not get even ten reads. Your soul matters to God. He loves you and unlike human beings, God’s love cannot be taken away. You do not need to be perfect to come to God. I surely wasn’t. I was a mess and I still am without Jesus.

Just come as you are. He will clean you up. I know how hard it is to accept this truth because I too was right there where you are now.

I do not regret exchanging everything I knew for Christ.

I am in a really good place, and God gets ALL the glory!

You will not too.

Love you.